A child was asked to write a
book report on the entire Bible.
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
My name is Max Eisenhardt. I've been a Sonderkommando at Auschwitz for almost two years. I watched thousands of men, women, and children walk to their deaths. I pulled their bodies from the gas chambers. I dug out their teeth so the Germans could take their gold. And I carried them to the ovens, where I learned how to combine a child's body with an old man's to make them burn better. I saw my fellow workers buried alive under an avalanche of rotting corpses. I saw thousands of murdered people burning in giant outdoor pits. I have seen at least a quarter million dead human beings with my own eyes...and I couldn't save a single one... 
21 January 2009, 5:11 pm by contributor
Contributed by Howard Kuay
Life in the university, void of structured classes and time-tables, can get lonely and daunting at times. Shuttling back and forth between lectures and tutorials, one can easily be lost among the crowd and absorbed into the work-load, neglecting the importance of forming meaningful friendships and enjoying the process of getting an education.
With this need and concern in mind, a group of NUS students came together to form NUS U.N.I.T.E.D., a social outreach for friendship and moral support. As the 3 to 4-year study duration would pass by in a flash, NUS U.N.I.T.E.D. serves as a great platform for NUS students to get to know more friends within the campus.
On 17 Nov 2008, 17 NUS U.N.I.T.E.D members embarked on their first social event, Lunch-Out. With semester examinations just a week away, study groups could be seen all over the Central Forum of the campus. NUS U.N.I.T.E.D gave out invitations to the study groups to join in for a Lunch-Out at the Central Forum. On the day of the event, NUS U.N.I.T.E.D showed up with packets of Nasi Lemak and handed them out to the study groups that showed up. With benches all lined together, everyone took a break from their studying and sat down together for a hearty meal. It was a time of fun, throwing out of jokes, getting to know one another, and leaving exam woes at the back of the heads.
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| PHOTOS: Peter Choong and Liu Yuantai |
It was evident in the faces of the 36 friends that came that they were truly touched by the gesture of the group buying them a meal and organizing such a get-together. Everyone had their barriers down and were mingling among each other like old friends. Peter Choong, a 1st year NUS Student and part of NUS U.N.I.T.E.D shares that, “[it is] a truly heartening sight to see our new friends happy and blessed by our efforts.”
Right after the examinations, NUS U.N.I.T.E.D followed up with another event known as Gastrono-athlon!!! —a night cycling event on 14 Dec 2008. The aim was to cycle along a 65km route using bicycles, with pit stops at famous eateries along the East and Central of Singapore.
16 members of NUS U.N.I.T.E.D and 17 new friends took on this arduous journey, beginning from East Coast Parkway at 9 pm, cycling along the park connectors, arriving at their first check-point,Changi Village. After having a scrumptious meal, they then proceeded towards Singapore Expo Foyer 3 and then to Simpang Bedok for local desserts. After which, they proceeded to the city to see the Christmas lights and decorations along Orchard road. Going past Lau Pa Sat, they had another round of Satay before cycling to the Singapore Indoor Stadium, then proceeding back to East Coast at 5.30 am.
Despite the light drizzle throughout the entire journey, it was a good experience for every participant, taking in the night scene of popular spots in Singapore and conquering the distance on bicycles. The important thing was that everyone had fun and got to build friendships across faculty and groups. Yang Changhan, one of the organizers of Gastrono-athlon!!!, puts it succinctly, “The event was really fun and enjoyable. It was a wonderful opportunity for [us] to get to know one another and do something like this for a change, especially with people outside our own faculty whom we seldom interact with during school hours.”
It cost S$27.95, more expensive than normal CDs in town. But its the same Jewel Kilcher with her husky voice, beautiful looks (hey, it's a bonus to like the looks of your favourite singer), and classy poetic lyrical. Hearing it through for the first time, its a CD totally in the country western style. The lyrics are more straight forward and relaxed, as compared to her previous CD, "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland," and centers around love songs, romance and introspective thoughts. Jewel has not laxed in her tune-to-lyrics dynamics and maintains an edge, in my opinion, rare in today's secular pop/country singers. "Perfectly Clear" alludes back, in its style and personality, to Jewel's first album, "Pieces of you." I'm totally bias, and I would rate this album 4 and a half stars out of five. Not for everyone and the casual listeners I would agree, sounding unattractive largely. But to a fan, this is a breathe of fresh air and comfort knowing that Jewel has kept to her roots as a roaming, experiential, guitar toting country singer at heart.
